Hi Fern,  I've tried so many times and ways to reach you and you're virtually invisible online. Recently I saw your profile on Linkedin - but I've not received replies to my notes to you. Maybe you'll find this note online - but you'd need to look up your own name first...  Hopefully you do that on a regular basis... maybe, like me, you have "Google alerts" on your name so you know when you pop up online?  I really hope you receive this...

I've been in Thailand over the last 3 years. 2 of those years have been incredible. The Thai people are undoubtedly the nicest people that exist on the planet... no, not joking at all - it's such a paradise here for me.  But, in typical Vern fashion I've not planned for any future...  as a result I'm in a bad situation right now that I'm hoping you'd help me out of...  I know you have tried to separate yourself from me over the years since you've had Zachary, and I feel badly about asking you for anything... even a return email...  I know that there were times that I wasn't ready to talk to you either - but, as time passes so do the bad memories... I have only good memories left of our times together... awesome, a w e s o m e memories!

I'm writing you for a couple reasons... number one is that I think you still feel like my friend in your heart.  I still feel that way, though we've been separated for many years now...  I feel like if I saw you now here in Thailand we'd have the best time and talk for days about everything that has happened... the changes...  the fun we had in the past... 

Another reason I'm writing you is that you know the real me very well.  You understand me because though we were born at opposite ends of the life's spectrum we connect on many points that we don't connect with other people on.  Your sense of humor is to me the best that i've encountered in another person -because it is so much like my own. We don't understand the world... so much doesn't make logical sense... common sense...   and that's part of our bond... just part.

I am writing you for help in part because you are Thai - you know more about Thailand than most... I'd think. You have heard stories from family and friends... you're probably aware of the political situation... the justice system... and the injustice of it for foreigners sometimes or anyone really that gets reamed when it's time for someone to get reamed... 

You understand the loss of face that is so important in Thailand...  and what it means to the person suffering it.  I'm sure your father and mother instilled that in you as a child... I think I saw it many times - when I wasn't aware of exactly what was going on back then.... I know now...

I'm writing you because I think you understand that I never thought it was possible to hurt you so much when I was meditating during those months. I think you understand that it was something that kind of took me over... it had it's way with me so to speak.... lol - funny to say it like that, but I felt like the process was on it's own schedule...  it was so powerful and complete... it virtually erased "vern" as he was... and killed the ego.  There was so little ego left and yet I could still function, albeit not like the old vern...

After you and I broke up I ran from meditation. The jhanas (the weird levels of meditation on the way to nirvana) were happening outside of meditation as well as during. It was so bizarre... like I was walking in a dream - though not a fantasy dream - a dream of reality - that I knew the true reality of all things... very odd, and I've put many videos up on this site (www.seemlessness.com and blog.seemlessness.com) where I tried to put in words the states and what they were like...

I realize what happened was me going away in our marriage... i was NOT the same vern that was fun to be with, attentive to your needs... to our conversations... I was a shell of vern... and I know you needed much more... you needed a human inside the body of vern - the ego was gone... I'm sorry Fern - I had no idea meditation meant that... I wanted some release from stress... I wanted to find out - what did the buddha do - why is nirvana so great?

3 days ago i realized that nirvana is nothing.  I started to meditate again here over the last 2 months. I'd trek up this mountain in Krabi, Thailand almost daily and sit and enter jhana again... it came just like before. I had the same levels - all levels ... and the process seemed to have picked up where it left off... and the other day - 3 days ago as I sat and had a mind that was empty of thought I forced myself to look at one question that I'd had for 10 years... why is nirvana so great... is it worth it?

I realized in about 30 minutes of examining the question that nirvana is nothing.  It's not a worthwhile goal.  So I'm in bliss 24-7.  So what?  Would I still bodyboard? Would I go camping? Would I work and try to make my son love me?  Would I care about people and THEIR needs...?  Would I search for the HIGHS that I crave?

Nirvana doesn't make sense. The world doesn't make sense, sure.  Life - doesn't make sense. To me, life is hell. It all sucks. There are moments of fun - and they can be GREAT FUN! but, overall? life blows.  As a person that has seen jhana and felt bliss... felt the "no ego" state... is that the greatest goal of a person?  is that to be sought after? 

no.  There are things that humans attach to - that they 'get'.  Those experiences are awesome... brilliant fun and good times.  THAT is what I lived my life for and what I'll continue to live it for.  Being in a bliss state where the mind is so balanced and with "equinimity" is not at all living.  Who are you helping in that state?  Nobody, because nobody else is GETTING THERE.  Apparently it's so difficult for others to get to the same state as the buddha that I can find NOBODY here in Thailand or ANYWHERE that can be said to have been enlightened...

Yeah, so - what is the point of being one that can reach nirvana - assuming that I can get there?  No point. What would I do - attempt to tell everyone how to get to that state?  For WHAT????  A happy state in which you want for nothing... you need nothing... you DO really, nothing.  You exist happily. You exist in a state that has transcended the "i"... the "me" is gone... there is no want, no desire to be or do... there is nothing - a person has gone beyond this typical life pattern and switched into ego-lessness...  then what?  Spend the next 40 years until death attempting to explain to others how to get there?  FOR WHAT????  the person is essentially dead in that state - not really helping others or him/herself.  Not really LIVING in that state. Where are the highs?  Sure, there are no lows - but, WHERE ARE THE HIGHS?????  That is life to me - the highs.  The lows suck - really really suck.  But, if I have the highs - I can continue on....

A life without highs or lows is a like living on Lithium... I've seen many mental health clients on Lithium... going through life without the highs and lows - and not really LIVING.

God or whatever gave us this ridiculous state of life can be cheated through meditation... through reaching jhana... enlightenment - i've seen it. I've tasted it...  The monks here - abbots of wats have told me - that I've seen the levels of jhana... 8 levels... and you know, it's the most bizarre, and incredible state of mind... to watch the mind stop... to watch the reactions BEFORE they start... what starts an emotion? A thought? A blip on the mind's awareness... ?  It's truly bizarre... and i'm glad I experienced it... but, I realized 3 days ago - that is NOT LIVING and that is NOT worth it on any level to continue to reach that state 24 hours - 7 days /week. Just no point in it.

The billion buddhists that are searching for nirvana - and yet are going about it in a dogmatic, step by step, heirarchical way - are not going about it the right way. How did this guy, by meditating a year get through all levels of jhana on my own - when monks try for 40 years to get past the 3rd jhana? 

Buddhists love the idea - it's an ideal... but I've found that once experiencing the ideal - or being close - you can see, no point in it at all - it's quite stupid actually to want bliss your entire life - a life without highs and lows and just equanimity...  no point because you cannot influence others to reach the state on a mass scale... maybe can teach NOBODY else how to do it in 40 years... so then what? 

Waste 40 years of highs for 40 years of equinimity and peace in your mind... in a state that is not helping anyone or yourself.

Anyway - so, i'll put a video up about it in the next day or so - and try to explain to everyone why the search is ridiculous...

I must say that I'm so sorry that I ruined our time together by starting meditation... it's not at all an innocuous activity. It's mind breaking. It's life destroying... marriage destroying...  I am so sorry to have started it during our marriage Fern... it wasn't right and I wish I could take that one thing back out of all my mistakes... in hindsight - i want to take THAT mistake back...

So sorry to abandon you mentally... emotionally... as a friend and life partner... so truly sorry...

 

Thailand is a most wonderful place. A paradise that I've found... but, things have turned sour back in the USA. I turned them sour you might say, through my own neglect... my headstrong 'me'.

Since coming here to Thailand I've been teaching English to primary and high school aged Thai children in the Thai government school system making $800 USD per month about 9 months out of a year. In March 2007 at the US Embassy in Bangkok, Thailand I went to add some pages to my passport as I was running low.  I was hit with a shocking, unwelcome, and incredible surprise...

The US Embassy revoked my US Passport.  They let me leave the embassy complex, but to what end? What can an American do without a passport while in Thailand? Can't work. Can't stay. Can't leave.

How could this happen?  Well, I had no idea either but recently I've done a lot of investigation to find out what happened.  It appears that because I've refused to pay child-support for my son since coming to Thailand that the state of Florida had the power to revoke my US passport - even though I'm traveling overseas at the present time.  In effect I cannot leave, I cannot work here anymore because I need a passport to get a work-permit so I can work in the country. In fact, I cannot even STAY IN THE COUNTRY legally as I have no passport, hence no proper visa stamps in the passport either.

My options are:

1. Turn myself into the Thai authorities. They will jail me and take me to court to expel me from the country, though they will just hold me in jail until I come up with money to pay my fines and fly back to the USA. I may end up in jail for a year or more, depending if I can find someone to pay the fines for me until I could repay them. If this happens I will never be allowed to step foot back into Thailand, which is totally unacceptable to me. Thailand is the greatest place in the world - I feel like I've found home here...

2. Pay the balance that is owed on child-support to the state of Florida and they will authorize the US Embassy to reinstate my passport. If that happens I can get a valid visa stamp to remain in Thailand and get a work-permit to be able to work here and begin paying child support monthly.  If this happens I will be able to remain in Thailand indefinitely and the money I'm paying for child support will be based on my salary here - which is based on cost of living here and I would be able to afford it. I'd also need to teach private English lessons, but if I just had my passport I could do it.

I really want to stay in Thailand Fern - the USA isn't right for me - I think you know that - I'm not a person that blends in with society there... I am so anti American society...  You swim in it, you don't like it either - but you are able to swim in it and use it to your advantage...  for me, it's always like I'm choking... I'm a fish that can't breath in the water i was born in...

What sort of person refuses to pay child-support?

Paying child support is something that I never thought I'd be at odds with.  My dad paid it to my mom for my brother, sis and I... I realized the importance of it before I had a child with a woman that somehow picked up a sexually transmitted disease before my son was born (and I tested negative for 3 times and have since been innoculated against).  Ever since "her son" was born I'd been subjected to her every whim about where she would go with him often times citing "China" or "California" as her next move away from me with our son... 2 months after he was born she insisted on taking him to Connecticut to show her family there. She stayed for months. I signed the birth certificate not thinking. Not asking myself - is he your son?

I had had enough of Justin's mom and I vowed that I would save money to give to my son later, after he is grown, instead of give it to this girl that I thought I knew, but that since, I've learned many horrible stories about, from of all persons - even her twin sister.

I wish now that I had fought through the legal system to gain custody of my son after his mom decided to leave. There was no moral justification for leaving, she just left on a whim as far as I can see or understand. I had no money at that time to spend in the courts, and frankly I had little confidence that I'd be able to gain custody. A man fighting for his child's custody is still usually a losing battle.

I have just enough money to last here in Thailand for about 2 months before I'll need to go to the immigration department and turn myself in, ending up in jail.  I do NOT want to get to that point, but I have to face up to the fact that I've screwed up in the past and I didn't plan this trip to Thailand very well.  If I end up there for a while - 6 months? a year? Thailand's justice system is so unpredictable. 30 days could turn into 3 years.

My family back in the states hasn't got enough money to live reasonably well themselves. I've asked, and really, the money just isn't there. One thing us Lovics were not blessed with as you know - was smarts in the money department.  I'm hating writing you this part of the letter Fern, it's embarrassing. It's humiliating. I know that some other people that know me will find this site and this page and I'll feel badly about that. I can't NOT ask for help though because honestly it's the only way I'll climb out of this hole I've dug for myself. 

These are circumstances that I've let get beyond my control because right now I find myself with no control over anything.  At any time I could be stopped here by a traffic policeman that asks to see my passport. By law visitors are required to carry them. I've hidden mine at my room and I don't ever take it out for any reason. I figure I can't risk that anyone finds it even if I'm in an accident on the motorbike. I just can't risk it.

I realize I PUT MYSELF into these circumstances, but I don't see a way out as the amount of money I would need to pay to the State of Florida cannot be manufactured out of thin air since I can't even get a job here in Thailand without a passport.  I'm afraid to teach private English lessons as it would be too risky that someone would tell the authorities and they'd be able to track me down quickly.  In a couple months when the money runs out I may need to go ahead and risk working illegally since I won't have enough money to live on and I want to avoid being jailed in Thailand at any cost. Supposedly the jails are hell here, they don't treat foreigners as anyone special in the prison system. Maybe worse.

I've always been completely self-sufficient, and had more than I needed... always...  I've given away much to those that had little. I won't elaborate, but I've given lots of cash away when I had extra hundreds or thousands to give away.  I understand people that are going through bad times. I never guessed I would ever need to worry about money though.

I have resources as you know.  I have a master's degree in Psychology. I have advanced certifications from Microsoft (8 of them).  I have written a book about my experiences living in Thailand, and yet there are a couple instances of extortion by Thai authorities that cost me over 250,000 Thai baht ($8,000 USD) that I don't want to leave out of the book - so I cannot take the risk of publishing it now. Upon sorting this out I'd be able to do that to help pay the person or persons that helps me get over this life hurdle.  I have started on 2 other books - one is a meditation book that will detail more about my experiences and also the way that I think many more people can come to reach what the Buddhists call "jhana" - which are like steps or levels on the way to enlightenment (nirvana, nibbana).

The resources I have cannot help me in this position I'm in now.  The only resource I really need is my passport returned to its "valid" status... so I can either continue living here or return to the USA and get 2 jobs for a couple years until I clear up all I've screwed up.

I will show you what I need to get my US passport back and be able to work here in Thailand and start repaying you for your helping me...  If you would help me on this I'd be eternally grateful and I'd pay you back not only financially, but over the years with whatever I could do for you... really I'd be indebted to you over my lifetime...  My problem is that big... I don't see a way out except asking you to try to understand my life a bit and why I do what I do...  and to help me out this time so I can get going straight again.

The amount that the state of FL "charged" me without my having any idea that I was being charged, was something like $600 USD per month. I have been in Thailand for the last almost 3 years now. The amount that they say I "owe" is in the neighborhood of $20,000 USD.  Yes, they based what THEY thought I could afford on what I had earned in the USA over the last couple years. Problem with that is that at the time they judged what they thought I should pay, I was unemployed and was already moving to Thailand.  Upon finding out that I was indebted this amount (in March 2007) I also found out that the amount cannot be changed retroactively. Even though I earned less than $800 per month for the last 3 years - I am being judged as owing $600 per month to support my son by paying his misfit mother.  Though in retrospect it cannot be changed, the future monthly amount could be petitioned for change - as it must be because I couldn't possibly afford 75% of my total income per month to send to support my son's mom.

So, yes, the problem is huge now - and I "owe" about $20,000 US dollars to get my passport back. Until then, I'm here in Thailand with no way to work or leave. Not even to stay here with free status for very much longer.

Fern, if you were able to help me with this I would not even need to "see" the money or have access to it, just know that it was given to the state of Florida and applied toward the balance of what is "due" to the mother of my son.  At that point I would be able to get my passport and get a job teaching English like I've done at 2 schools in Thailand over the past couple years already.  I speak Thai at a moderate level and obtaining an English teaching position with my master's degree and 2 years experience is not difficult at all, in fact I could choose between many job offers at that point.

I figure that I'd make about 30,000 Thai baht ($1000 USD) per month with a job at a school teaching English. In addition I might be able to make another $150 USD per month teaching English to private students at their home.  With that I could send you a monthly payment of $300 per month and the state of Florida approximately $200 per month to keep current on the monthly obligation so I don't end up in the same circumstance again later. I could live here in Thailand on the $600 that's left each month.

I realize that at this rate of payment it will take about 5 years to give you back your principal amount that you lent to me and another year or more to pay you back interest on your money. I am embarrassed that I must ask you to help me in this way, but I am more afraid of the consequences if I don't ask...  I've really messed up things and I don't know anyone with money Fern. I know very few people with this kind of 'extra' money.  I realize you wouldn't consider it extra... but, am i making any sense...?

Please, if you are also struggling for something - money, health, stress, or some other issues -don't worry about helping me at all. Please don't.  I understand that you might think you should help even when it hurts yourself... I've seen people do that for others. I've done it myself to some small degree.  Please DON'T do that for me... really, I'm alive today and not dying - so please don't make any crazy moves to help me if you're worried about anything going on in your own life. I'll live without your help - really!

But, if you have financial resources that makes $25,000 seem like small money to you. If you have abundant resources that you feel a need to help others with that have a real need... then if you could help me... if you would help me...  as I said before, I'd be eternally grateful and indebted to you over the rest of my life...  If you can't help to that degree, anything that you could send would help immensely, if only for keeping me out of Thailand's nightmare legal system in which some foreigners spend their entire lives.

If you cannot help or will not help - no worries, if anyone understands, I understand! There are times I've helped people and times that I felt like I just wasn't in a position to offer help. I know this plight may not hit you and maybe you won't feel it in your heart to help - and that's OK and understood... and no worries... I'll be OK because something will have to happen... good or bad, and eventually maybe it all turns out good in the end?  Not sure.  I'm just feeling scared right now because I don't see a way out of this mess. If I do go to a Thai jail I've heard about drugs being planted on inmates and short stays turn into years and years in prison... prison is my worst fear and I'd like to avoid that at whatever cost. 

I don't know how it will happen, but I believe it will happen... I've not been a bad person in my life and I've helped others - so - karma or whatever may kick in for me and help?  I think that it could.... :)

Ok - thank you for listening and "best of life!" to you and your family Fern!  I have kept up with Paul a little bit and I've been amazed at what he's been capable of over the years... who knew that quiet kid that played DOOM on the computer in the dark would turn into mr. super success story? hahah.  I still remember very vividly the way he looked at us from the side of his head without turning his head... I remember so many things...  ok then -

Miss you Fern so profoundly - and I hope you are living the best that life has to offer... it's all about the HIGHS, don't forget that - the lows are necessary in order that there be "HIGHS"... like a vibration... the highs and lows of the wave... 

Vernon

9/30/2007