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8/25/95
First Journal entry on Mindfulness,
Being in the present moment - without thought
This was an
unexpected find. I was looking back through some .DOC files and
there were some with my meditation journal notes that I haven't
posted here... Then I noticed - wow, that one says Aug-25-95. That's
an old one. I opened it up and relived the experience I'll post
below. Amazing experience that I remember to this day... just being
in the pool at my apartment complex in Tampa, Florida. I had read
some eastern philosophy and religion books. I read some zen books -
they were the most interesting because they were the most
mysterious. What is a koan? When the mind can't solve it - what
happens? That was pretty interesting back then. Even now- I play
with the idea that I'm setting up koans that have no answer when I
ask myself - WHY am I meditating? I've not come up with a great
reason yet. Or, WHAT is enlightenment? There's no answer I guess
until one experiences it. Maybe it's phenomenological - specific to
one's self and everyone has a different experience. I'm more a
believer in that sort of idea about it at the present moment.
Anyway - so
here is my first experience...
25 August
95 Very First Experience with &$&*#@ (whatever it is...)
This
evening after working out and hitting the volleyball at the
racquetball court I went to the pool to relax. It was dark, about
8pm. I saw with a child's eyes for the first time in years. Some
call it (beginner's mind). I looked at everything as if it were
new. I saw things in a way that I haven't seen since I was very
young. We overlook so much when we are caught up in the web of the
world's works...
I saw the
light reflecting in the pool's bubbles. I saw what looked like the
water on fire where the underwater light was across the pool. The
fire seemed to leap up above the water and sink back down. It was
because of the waves in the water--or was it?
This magical moment transitioned into
something that affected all I saw.
I saw the
beauty of the sky, the apt. complex and the many reflections of the
lights in the water and on the waves. I saw the distribution of
bubbles tending towards randomness. Words and concepts cannot
describe this "BEING IN THE MOMENT"--for sure. I was there. I was
just part of this scene, I was "one" with everything that I was
experiencing! It's the most incredible feeling! I had no thoughts
outside of what was there. I experienced and did not try to control
what was there. I was a part, not seeking mastery of my
surroundings. I put labels on nothing--I just experienced.
[God what
it would be like to be in the moment 24 hours a day]
The
experience lasted about 5 minutes. When it was over - there were
some residual effects. A calm mind remained. A clear mind without a
lot of thought.
Before I wrote this I sat
on the couch and thought about the
experience.
My thoughts were that
we as humans are, above all else
searching for control over others and over our environment. All of
our strivings are towards this end. In relationships we marry
because we seek to control (limit) the person we marry. We seek to
make ourselves more content and happy by limiting the acceptable
behavior of the individual we seek to marry. We are more at ease
and comfortable after this point because there is no longer the
unknown of what the other person will do. Marriage constructs a set
of boundaries that will not be crossed by either individual and is
enforced not only by that other individual, but also by all of the
peers/family/and other social groups interacting with those
individuals. Social pressure to conform to a group of norms for the
purpose of limiting behavior and increasing the sense of control
over one's destiny is the goal.
We are
always searching for CONTROL! Control in all aspects of our lives
is what is most basic to our strivings. In marriage, as above, in
family (control so that we get what we want), in occupations
(control of who we control, and who we are controlled by), religion
(control of the afterlife, emotions, feelings, actions, etc.). In
adolescence begins our quest for control over our lives--on a major
scale. Though at the preschool level we too are looking for ways to
control and manipulate our environment in order to please us and
make things more bearable for us. We are always searching for ways
to please "I" not others. We seek pleasure and avoid pain--but the
motivation behind this is control. When we control the environment
we minimize pain and can maximize pleasure.
Zen is
completely the opposite. There is no "I". There is only "being",
"doing", "experiencing". Being in the moment according to Zen is
different from what Hamid (a friend I have that taught simple
meditation practice after our practicum at the Florida mental health
center) believed. In Zen the person is aware of all of the beauty
surrounding him. What Hamid said was that we are lost in the moment
and are "doing". Maybe he simplified it for the clients and some of
the staff who couldn't begin to grip the concept?
**********
That was it. I remember how surreal it was - as if I were wide awake
and dreaming this magical moment that was untouched by thought,
time, words, memory.
Nice to think about... however, it's now May 13, 2008 and I have
some writing to do before I go do some walking meditation. :)
Sawasdee Krup...
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